10 places that would be

[Gob]

better off without kids....

1. Pubs

“Put the organic aioli down, Jocasta. No, Joshua, that artisan focaccia isn’t gluten-free.” In the good old days, pubs were for grown-ups and serious drinking. Nowadays, they’ve gone gastro and seem to be some sort of Bugaboo parking area, populated by lunching yummy mummies, insufferable couples and hyperactive toddlers. Pubs don’t smell of booze and fags anymore, they smell of salmon fishcakes and “babyccinos”. Make it stop.

2. Trains

Crying in a confined space. Kicking seats. Running up and down the aisles. It’s the same problem as planes, but without the novelty of air travel to shut them up, the in-flight entertainment system to plug them into and the free booze to numb your pain. Kids should only be allowed to read stories about trains, not actually go on them. The Fat Controller would surely approve.

3. Football grounds

Swearing loudly at the ref/opposition/your own team is never as much fun when there’s little ears around to traumatise and protective dads to shrug apologetically at.

4. Festivals

Why do some hippie parents think it’s a good idea to take their offspring to a large field full of loud music, alcohol, sex and drugs? Scrapping the “Kid’s Field” would discourage them. It’s just a bouncy castle and a hung-over clown anyway.

5. Cars

Come on, have you ever tried driving with a kid on the back seat? Fiddling with the windows, fighting with their siblings, hoofing you in the back, complaining of boredom, throwing snacks, spilling drinks, making such a racket that you twist around to see what’s up and nearly career off the road? They’re a menace. Ban them.

6. IKEA

The Scandi-smug labyrinthine hellhole is bad enough already, without adding bored kids to the mix, clambering all over the room sets and knocking over lamps, while their parents bicker their way into a loveless marriage illuminated only by cheap tea lights. Barring kids would also mean more hot dogs and meatballs for us.

7. Cinemas

The darkness of the picture house hides a multitude of teeth-gnashingly annoying kiddy sins: talking throughout the film, fiddling with phones, loud crunching and slurping, throwing popcorn, constantly swapping seats, endless toilet trips, crying, whining, breathing. existing. They're lucky we don’t use the cover of darkness for some old-fashioned murder.

8. Supermarkets

Bright lights + boredom + lots of things they can’t have = tantrums. Let’s tie them up outside like dogs. Ignore the howling, they’ll soon quieten down.

9. Pizza Express

We used to like the Pizza Express chain, in a mid-range, always-order-the-same-stuff, know-what-you’re-getting kind of way. These days, though, it seems to be some sort of dough-based kindergarten. Oi, small people – naff off to Nando’s and let us enjoy our halal chicken pizzas in peace.

10. The school gates

We realise this seems unreasonable, what with schools only existing to educate the little tykes. But they really do get in the way of us parents gossiping, competing, giving each other dirty looks and half-heartedly flirting. Without kids cluttering up the place with their so-called cuddles and bids for attention, the school gates would be a far more relaxing place for grown-ups to hang out. Let’s ban the blighters.

[Long Run]

Just think of all the people who would want to go into teaching if there weren't any kids there.

[Big RR]

I don't know, even without kids you might still have to deal with the parents.

[Long Run]

1. Pubs

“Put the organic aioli down, Jocasta. No, Joshua, that artisan focaccia isn’t gluten-free.” In the good old days, pubs were for grown-ups and serious drinking. Nowadays, they’ve gone gastro and seem to be some sort of Bugaboo parking area, populated by lunching yummy mummies, insufferable couples and hyperactive toddlers. Pubs don’t smell of booze and fags anymore, they smell of salmon fishcakes and “babyccinos”. Make it stop.

No kidding. Last time I was in this type of pub (purposefully chose a time well after lunch and well before early dinner) I was seated in a near empty dining room. I just wanted to read my sports page and catch a little ESPN. The doofus teenage seater wanted me to sit at the worst table in the house where the lighting was poor, but I went over to a window seat. A few minutes later a young couple with three toddlers comes in and the doofus seats them right next to me, so close our chairs are touching. The dining area had about 20 empty tables. So I just got up and went about 30 feet away to another empty window seat. I think the mom took offense for about the nano second between when she noticed me leaving and the next outburst from one of her kids.

[MajGenl.Meade]

Well surely #2 should be "Trains, planes and automobiles"? That would allow room for "At all school concert events". If the little bastards were not up there singing off key and picking their noses, parents (and more especially aged grandparents) wouldn't be forced to sit through every stupid grade 'performance' before our own kid gets to murder "Allelujah" at the very end. We could go to a kid free pub instead

[Lord Jim]

And a visit to a hospital would be a lot less depressing if it weren't for all those sick people lolling about, moaning, wheezing and complaining...

[rubato]

The "seen and not heard" standard for the presence of children in mixed company with adults dates back at least as far as the inter-gender marriage convention supposedly does; why oh why tell me why aren't people defending that !



yrs,
rubato

[MajGenl.Meade]

Too busy ferrying rug-rats back and forth to soccer practice and otherwise bending to the dictates of the nazinfants

[Lord Jim]

Though I didn't become a father until I was 40, (and again when I was 50) even back when I was a cynical self-absorbed SOB, I have long appreciated the fact that there is no more uplifting sound then the joyful sounds of children at play...

As I believe Dale once observed, when one cannot enjoy that sound, it's time for "the dirt nap"...

[Joe Guy]

That reminds me of one summer evening a few years ago when I was sitting with a group of friends in my backyard. We could hear a few young kids running around laughing in the next yard.

A lady in the group that I didn't know very well but I thought to be a bit snobbish blurted out, "I wish those kids would shut up. That is so annoying."

I said, "You're so right. There's nothing worse then the sound of children having fun."

A couple of my friends laughed. I'm pretty sure that was steam that started coming out of the lady's ears and nose. Those were the last words that she and I exchanged that night.

I haven't seen her since then for some odd reason.

[Long Run]

I haven't seen her since then for some odd reason.

No great loss for you, it appears.

[Lord Jim]

I agree...

You're certainly better off not having someone like that around...

At least she was good enough to give you a heads up right off the bat as to what sort of person she is...

[MajGenl.Meade]

Though I didn't become a father until I was 40, (and again when I was 50) even back when I was cynical self-absorbed SOB, I have long appreciated the fact that there is no more uplifting sound then the joyful sounds of children at play...

As I believe Dale once observed, when one cannot enjoy that sound, it's time for "the dirt nap"...

I agree. It's school "performances" that I dread. I've to endure a three hour torture-fest 2night just so I can assure my 17 year old grandson (who doesn't care at all) that I was there to the bitter end. He's in some ginormous choir which is specially designed to make random appearances throughout the three hours so the adults can't vanish after "their" kid has been on.

I hate 'em

[rubato]

Though I didn't become a father until I was 40, (and again when I was 50) even back when I was cynical self-absorbed SOB, I have long appreciated the fact that there is no more uplifting sound then the joyful sounds of children at play...

As I believe Dale once observed, when one cannot enjoy that sound, it's time for "the dirt nap"...

I agree. It's school "performances" that I dread. I've to endure a three hour torture-fest 2night just so I can assure my 17 year old grandson (who doesn't care at all) that I was there to the bitter end. He's in some ginormous choir which is specially designed to make random appearances throughout the three hours so the adults can't vanish after "their" kid has been on.

I hate 'em

Your grandchildren are in Africa with you now?

[Lord Jim]

Your grandchildren are in Africa with you now?

Please tell me I'm misreading that...

Please tell me that a guy who claims to be a "scientist" and an "inventor" who has demonstrated repeatedly, a singular inability to perform simple math sums or to properly interpret simple tables and graphs...

Isn't trying to accuse Meade of "making up" his life story over the past several years in South Africa...

Please tell me I've got the wrong end of the stick on that...

Please tell me that not even you are stupid and clueless enough to try claim that...

Please tell me that...

[Econoline]

Jim, I'm pretty sure that you are misreading that question. I had a similar flash of confusion as to exactly when and where that "three hour torture-fest" was occurring.

[Crackpot]

Meads is back in the states he's been talking about coming back for a while and I believe he has mentioned it here on more than a few occasions.

[Lord Jim]

Econo, had it been anyone other than rube, it would never have occurred to me that it could have been anything other than an innocent question.

But rube is not particularly well known for asking innocent questions...

[Econoline]

Meads is back in the states he's been talking about coming back for a while and I believe he has mentioned it here on more than a few occasions.

Yeah, yeah, I think I sorta remembered that...but then I also glanced over to where it says

......................................
......................................MajGenl.Meade

......................................Posts: 4739
......................................Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 2:51 am
......................................Location: Bloemfontein, ZAR

...and I had, as I said, a flash of confusion. (IIRC, rubato was out of the country and away from CSB on vacation for a while, so I can easily imagine him not quite remembering who is where right now.)

[Joe Guy]

I think Meade recently moved back to Cleveland because he had mentioned something a while back about planning to do so in May. If he writes about going to an Indian game, that will be a clue.