What's your favorite "walked into a bar" joke?

[MajGenl.Meade]

A man walks into a pub and stands at the bar gazing at all the bottles of spirits. The barman approaches and can't help noticing the chap has a sponge cake stuck in his left ear, dripping jello, and in his right ear he's got a lump of tinned peach covered in custard.

"What can I get you, sir?" says the barman. The chap looks intently at him, shakes his head, with bits of jello and custard splattering about and says

"Sorry but you'll have to speak up. I'm a trifle deaf"

[Lord Jim]

Have you and LJ broken up?

Absolutely...

He has no respect... he's all hands...

[Lord Jim]

A somnambulist, a zombie , and a Leonard Cohen fan walk into a bar...

Who can tell the difference?

[Econoline]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

*

William Shakespeare walks into a bar, orders a martini. "Sorry, can't serve you," says the bartender.

"Why not?"

"You're bard."

*

Guy walks into a bar and yells, "ALL LAWYERS ARE ASSHOLES!!!" Man at the end of the bar says, "I object to that remark." Guy says, "Why, are you a lawyer?" Man says, "No, I'm an asshole."

*

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

*

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre – so the bartender gives it to her.

*

The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.

[wesw]

ok lets go redneck.....

perdue live haul driver is on the road. always rides with his parrot. sees female hitchhiker, stops, asks if she wants to F---.

she says , no. he says. No F--- , no ride....
sees another, same thing, wanna F---? NO!.... , No F----, no ride....

driver stops in bar and grill for lunch. barkeep asks if that s his truck outside, he says yeah, why?

well, says the barkeep, there s a parrot out there throwing the chickens off , saying, No F----, no ride, no f---, no ride....

[Lord Jim]

PM it to me and I'll post it

What, so you can say, "here's the incredibly tasteless joke Jim was talking about. Don't blame me for it, blame him"?

No thanks...

[MajGenl.Meade]

An olde English joke (no longer applicable since the licensing hours changed)

One day the landlord's cat decided to go for a walk just after 11 pm. Unfortunately, as mein host banged the pub door closed, the cat's tail was caught in it and severed. Sadly, the shock caused the poor animal to leap out into the road where it was run over by a departing regular.

The cat's ghost wandered for a while, confused and feeling incomplete. Eventually it found the way back to the pub door and began to knock loudly (it's a mystery, innit?). The publican cautiously opened the door a crack and was shocked when his former cat, now a ghost, spoke to him.

"Please can I have my tail back?" asked the cat

"Bugger off" said the landlord. "No."

"Oh but I must have it," pleaded the cat

"How long were you my cat in this pub?" asked the landlord

"Twelve years," said the cat

"Then you should know," said the landlord loftily, "it's illegal to retail spirits after 11pm."


I'll be here all week - thank yew.

[Beer Sponge]

So, the seal walked into a club...

[Lord Jim]

A Canadian walks into a club...



An American walks into a bar in Canada and says, "Okay barkeep, line 'em up and keep 'em coming...

I'm here to drink Canada dry!"

[MajGenl.Meade]

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

[oldr_n_wsr]

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

[MajGenl.Meade]

Two Irishmen walked into a bar and were immediately accosted by a patron, a little worse for wear.

"What do you two fellows do all day?" he said belligerently. "I saw the pair of yez outside earlier, going down the road. One of yez was digging a hole and the other filled it up again. Then you moved a few yards, one dug - the other filled. You kept on doing it. I want to know what the hell you think you're doing"

"Ah sure it's our jobs for the government,: said the first fellow. "My job is to dig the hole."

"And my job," said Sean, "is to fill the hole."

"That's a stupid job. Just stupid. You mean to tell me, that the taxpayers are being cheated by do-nothing lay-abouts wasting their time and our money? Huh?" cried the drunk.

"Aisy, mister. Aisy. We do good work. It's just the fellow who puts the little trees in called off sick today"

[BoSoxGal]

A bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man in the world that it offered $1,000 to anyone who could beat him in one task. The bartender squeezed a lemon until all the juice ran out. Anyone who could get a drop of juice out of it after the bartender was done would win the $1,000.

Many strong people had tried and failed.

One day a scrawny man walked into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He squeaked, "I'd like to try the bet".

After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the rind to the man, who to everyone's amazement, squeezed six drops into the glass. Stunned, the bartender paid up, and then asked the man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack? A weight lifter?"

"Nope," the man replied. "I'm an attorney for the IRS."

[Lord Jim]

[TPFKA@W]

A tiger walks into a convenience store...

[Lord Jim]

and clears the place out...

[Econoline]

<old joke>"You can't leave that lyin' there!" "That's not a lion, it's a tiger!"</old joke>