Some Irish Jokes For St. Paddy's Day....

Lord Jim · Post by **Lord Jim** » Thu Mar 17, 2016 5:26 pm

Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean,
"You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."

"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.
Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside.
"Ah, will you look at that?" one ditch digger said.
"What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside.
"Do you believe that?" the workman exclaimed.
"Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whorehouse.
"Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

Four reasons we know Jesus was Irish...

1. He lived at home until he was thirty.
2. Just before he died, he went out drinking with his buddies.
3. His mother thought he was God.
4. He thought his mother was a virgin.

Early one morning in rural Ireland two leprechauns knocked on the door of a convent and
asked for the Mother Superior.
The Mother Superior comes out and the older of the two leprechauns asks,
"Mother Superior, are there any wee little leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

Rather startled and bemused the Mother Superior says.
"No, there aren't any wee little leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"Well then," asks the older leprechaun,
"are there any wee little leprechaun nuns at any convent in this county?"

Even more confused than bemused the Mother Superior says.
"No, there aren't any wee little leprechaun nuns in any convent in this county."

"Well let me ask you one more question then," says the older leprechaun,
"Do you know of any wee little leprechaun nuns at any convent in any county in all of Ireland?"

Now confused and a little bewildered Mother Superior says.
"No, I know of no wee little leprechaun nuns at any convent in any county in all of Ireland."

The younger of the two leprechauns is now looking very downcast, staring at his shoes.
Then the older leprechaun puts his hands on his hips and turns to the younger one and says,
"There you go Sean, you heard her, I told you you was screwing a penguin!"

Sean goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you, Sean?"

"Yes, Father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins.
Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Mary's."

Sean goes back to his pew and his buddy Mike slides over and asks, "What happened?"

Sean replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Mary's and three good leads."

Irishman's Letter to the DHSS in respect of receiving AIDS Leaflet

Dear Sir,

I have just received the Aids leaflet through my door and would like to apply
straight away for Aids. I have been on the dole for the past 10 years and have
been living on Supplementary Benefit and every other State aid I could get.

It now seems I will be getting aid for sex. It's a pity this Aids has come so late,
as I already have 15 children, and wondered if you will be paying back payments.

Your leaflet states that the more sex I have the more chance I have of getting Aids.
My only problem here is persuading the wife, who is not too keen after 15 kids.
Several years ago, I bought some sex aids but she showed little interest, and they
were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund for the 17.28 paid
out for these gadgets?

Anyway I will now explain her that the Government will be paying us for all the sex we have,
and I'm sure she'll agree that we cannot let a chance like this slip by. You also state
that I can pass on my Aids, but as you will understand with a wife and 15 kids to feed,
there won't be much left to pass on. If, by any chance, there is a bit left, thought,
I will pass it on to my poor old mother-in-law who only has her pension.

I understand from your leaflet that I can get Aids through a blood transfusion, and I
intend to write to my local hospital straight away to see when I can have one. Will the
Aids I get from the hospital be deducted from the Aids I get from you? Perhaps you
will write and let me know?

I am a firm believer in getting every Aid I can from the country, and I'm sure you'll
agree that by my past performance, I do qualify for this one. Could you let me know
how much I will get paid each time, and will it be weekly or monthly payments?

Yours faithfully,

Seamus O'Toole

It was Friday evening and having just been paid, Seamus and Murphy were
trying to decide where to go that night.

"I know," says Murphy, "there's a great club in town we ought to try."

"What's it like?" asked Seamus.

Murphy answers, "Well, you go into the club, up to the bar where they give you a free drink.
Then you go upstairs for a free shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink.
After 20 minutes you go back upstairs for another shag. After this you go back to the bar for another
free drink, then go upstairs and have another free shag! After this you go downstairs, have another
free drink, and leave. On the way out, they give you a hundred quid and you go home."

"Saints be praised!" said Seamus, "That sounds great. Have you been there before?"

"No," says Murphy, "but me sister has!"

More here:

http://chatterchopz.com/Jokes/jokes-r.html

Bicycle Bill · Post by **Bicycle Bill** » Thu Mar 17, 2016 9:35 pm

-"BB"-

Econoline · Post by **Econoline** » Fri Mar 18, 2016 12:47 am

Gob · Post by **Gob** » Fri Mar 18, 2016 2:07 am

wesw · Post by **wesw** » Sat Mar 19, 2016 1:52 pm

cool...., so now arab jokes are ok too..., right?

and you definitely brought their religion into the mix, so.....

free speech! I love it....

there are definite truths in the irish stereotypes...., I see them in myself.... and in English stereoypes, I have those traits too.....

drinking and fighting...., gettin' my dander up..... yeah I have a little irish in me....

....and slightly ashamed that I have a penis....., there s the English.....

...and I love trees ...., so my native blood comes thru a bit....

.....but I have a bit of the Viking in me too.....

there s some anthropology for ya Liberty......

I just thank god that jesus came thru and the rage and violence left me, or I left them , rather....

miracles are real.

Bicycle Bill · Post by **Bicycle Bill** » Sat Mar 19, 2016 8:47 pm

wesw wrote:cool...., so now arab jokes are ok too..., right?

and you definitely brought their religion into the mix, so.....

free speech! I love it....

there are definite truths in the irish stereotypes...., I see them in myself.... and in English stereoypes, I have those traits too.....

drinking and fighting...., gettin' my dander up..... yeah I have a little irish in me....

....and slightly ashamed that I have a penis....., there s the English.....

...and I love trees ...., so my native blood comes thru a bit....

.....but I have a bit of the Viking in me too.....

there s some anthropology for ya Liberty......

I just thank god that jesus came thru and the rage and violence left me, or I left them , rather....

miracles are real.

Man, and I thought I was a real dork at parties but I got nuthin' on this guy.

-"BB"-

MajGenl.Meade · Post by **MajGenl.Meade** » Sat Mar 19, 2016 10:43 pm

....and slightly ashamed that I have a penis....., there s the English.....

Now that's either psychotic or just another lie - or both

Lord Jim · Post by **Lord Jim** » Sat Mar 19, 2016 10:45 pm

....and slightly ashamed that I have a penis.....,

Yes wes, but given the dimensions, you should only be slightly ashamed....

Scooter · Post by **Scooter** » Sat Mar 19, 2016 11:09 pm

wesw wrote:cool...., so now arab jokes are ok too..., right?

and you definitely brought their religion into the mix, so.....

Unless you can point to Irish jokes making reference to membership in or violence committed by the IRA, I suspect that the sort of Arab jokes you have in mind would still be considered out of bounds.

wesw · Post by **wesw** » Sun Mar 20, 2016 12:39 pm

good one , jim......

scooter, as usual, is arbitrary and intellectually dishonest.

small minded...., narrow minded...., wrong.

....so this Persian sold this chinaman a rug, for waaaay more than it was worth...., so he went to the mosque to brag to the imam...

he couldn t find a babysitter for his wife....., so he took her with him.... ba dunt chhhhh....

Scooter · Post by **Scooter** » Sun Mar 20, 2016 2:34 pm

Well, we can start with Persians are not Arabs....

And frankly your "joke" would probably be more à propos of Mormons, but hey....

wesw · Post by **wesw** » Sun Mar 20, 2016 5:00 pm

I realized that, mary.....

(and if I had wanted to poke the Mormons I would have pluralized "wife")

(I was scared to poke fun at the arabs..., them there sunnis is nuts!!!!)

RayThom · Post by **RayThom** » Sun Mar 20, 2016 5:20 pm

wesw wrote:I realized that, mary.....

What? My mother's name was Mary. Can't you use some other name when trying to make a point?

Bicycle Bill · Post by **Bicycle Bill** » Sun Mar 20, 2016 5:50 pm

wesw wrote:I realized that, mary.....

Oh, knock it off, Francis.

-"BB"-

wesw · Post by **wesw** » Sun Mar 20, 2016 8:58 pm

and

Plan B Forum