British phrases translated

[Gob]

1. “It’s not quite what I had in mind.” – What the bloody hell is this?

2. “That’s a bit off.” – I will never forgive you for what you just said.

3. “Oh yes, he’s a lot of fun.” – He’s an absolute nightmare.

4. “They’re fine once you get to know them.” – They’re arseholes.

5. “It rings a bell.” – I have no idea what you’re talking about.

6. “Fancy a drink?” – Fancy staying out until 3am and waking up with your face glued to a kebab?

7. “We’re going on a date.” — We’re getting pissed together.

8. “I got a bit tipsy last night.” – I drank 17 pints and then punched a police horse.

9. “Picnic” — Daytime piss-up.

10. “Barbecue” — Piss-up in the garden.

11. “It got a bit lively.” – The police were called.

12. “I’m doing Drynuary.” – I’ve stopped drinking during the day.

13. “I’m a bit tired.” – I’m hungover.

14. “I’m feeling a bit under the weather, to be honest.” – I have alcohol poisoning.

15. “I’m a tad poorly.” – Kill me.

16. “You look like you had fun last night!” – You look like you slept in a bin.

17. “It’s OK, we’ve not been here long either.” – We’ve been here for ages and we’ll never forgive you for keeping us waiting.

18. “Yes, it’s great, I love it.” – I am very dismayed by this haircut.

19. “Anyway, it was lovely to meet you.” – Please go away now.

20. “I’ll let you get on.” – Seriously mate, piss off.

21. “I might pop along.” – I’m probably not coming.

22. “I’ll see how I feel.” – I’m definitely not coming.

23. “I tried to call you.” – I let the phone ring twice and then hung up.

24. “It’s totally fine if you can’t make it.” – I don’t want you to come.

25. “It could be worse.” – No, it couldn’t.

26. “I’ll have a word with them about it.” – I’ll never mention this to them.

27. “It is what it is.” – I can’t be bothered to fix this thing, so stop complaining.

28. “Truth be told, I’m a little bit miffed.” – I’m going to stab someone.

29. “Want to have lunch together?” – Want to run to Greggs and back in the rain?

30. “It was OK, but I wouldn’t order it again.” – This meal was horrible, deeply disappointing, and shit.

31. “Did I give you enough cash?” – Give me my change. Now.

32. “With the greatest respect…” – I think you’re an idiot.

33. “Well, it can’t hurt, I suppose.” – You’re making a huge mistake.

34. “Maybe I’m not explaining it properly.” – I am explaining it properly, you’re just dim.

35. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” – It’s not my problem.

36. “It’s a step in the right direction.” – But it’s still rubbish.

37. “Very interesting.” – You’re talking bollocks.

38. “Don’t quote me on that.” – Don’t blame me if the vague, half-made-up information I just passed on backfires on you.

39. “It was working a minute ago.” – You’ve broken it.

40. “Don’t worry, it’s probably my fault.” – It’s definitely your fault.

41. “You should come over for dinner sometime.” – I will never invite you over for dinner.

42. “Ooh, I could get used to this!” – Something very faintly luxurious has just happened, e.g. being offered a cup of tea.

43. “Can you pop it in an email?” – Please stop talking.

44. “That’s a very good question.” – One that I don’t know the answer to.

45. “Can I borrow you for a second?” – You’re in deep shit.

46. “Now, don’t be alarmed, but…” – Be very, very alarmed.

47. “Let’s agree to disagree.” – I’m obviously right, but I’ve run out of things to say.

48. “Look, let’s just forget it.” – I will never, ever forget this.

49. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.” – I have no idea what to say about the crushing disappointment you’ve just experienced.

50. “Oh, hi! Sorry, I didn’t see you there.” – I was actively trying to avoid you.

51. “Well, that’s not quite what happened.” – Will your lies never end?

52. “There’s been a bit of a mix-up.” – I’ve ruined all of your plans and destroyed everything you hold dear.

53. “Only if you’re making one.” – Why yes, I desperately want a cup of tea.

54. “It’s up to you.” – You’d better pick the thing I want to do.

55. “Could do, I suppose.” – No

56. “Sorry.” — I’m not sorry.

57. “I don’t mind.” – I do mind.

58. “It’s OK.” – It’s not OK.

59. “I’m fine.” – I’m fine.

60. “I’m fine.” – I’m furious.

61. “I’m fine!” – My whole life is in tatters. Please bring me a drink.

[Long Run]

These could use further definition:

9. “Picnic” — Daytime piss-up.

10. “Barbecue” — Piss-up in the garden.

And these will come in handy on this board:

32. “With the greatest respect…” – I think you’re an idiot.

* * *

34. “Maybe I’m not explaining it properly.” – I am explaining it properly, you’re just dim.

* * *

37. “Very interesting.” – You’re talking bollocks.

* * *

47. “Let’s agree to disagree.” – I’m obviously right, but I’ve run out of things to say.

* * *

51. “Well, that’s not quite what happened.” – Will your lies never end?

[Gob]

1. Arse, arsehole – n., variants of ass and asshole. Can also be used to mean bothered (“Can’t be arsed”) or acting the fool (“Stop arsing about!”). Mild.

2. Bastard – n., illegitimate child or mongrel; objectionable fellow, probably one who has won one over on you; unpleasant situation (“I’m having a bastard of a morning!”). See also: git, rotter, swine.

3. Bell, bellend – n., head of a penis; fool. (Only write as “bell end” if referring to the end of an actual bell.) Medium strength. See also: dickhead, knobend.

4. Berk – n., idiot. Very mild, yet apparently originated as rhyming slang for “Berkeley hunt”.

5. Bint – n., derogatory synonym for woman appropriated from the Arabic word for daughter or girl. Avoid, on the whole.

6. Blimey, blimey O’Reilly, cor blimey, gorblimey – n., expression of astonishment. Thought to derive from the phrase “God blind me!” Terribly mild. See also: crikey.

7. Blighter – n., person or thing to be regarded with contempt/envy. See also cad, rotter, swine. Mild.

8. Bloody – adv., intensifier, popularly used in the phrase “Bloody hell!” Very common, medium strength.

9. Blooming – adj., basically a very mild, somewhat archaic form of “bloody”. Use with abandon.

10. Bollocks – n., testicles. Used to mean rubbish or nonsense, as in the exclamation of disbelief “Bollocks!” and the album title Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols; in phrases such as “the dog’s bollocks” to mean something definitive and perfect; and, in the related word bollocking, a dressing-down (“I gave the useless fool a bollocking”). Medium strength, and very common.

11. Bugger – n., sodomite (i.e. someone who practises buggery); jerk; silly fool. As a verb, can mean to sodomise; to ruin (“You’ve buggered that up!”); or to tire. Also used as an exclamation of annoyance (“bugger!”); as a milder variant of “fuck” in the phrases “bugger off” and “bugger all”; and, in the phrase, “playing silly buggers”, to act the fool. Medium strength. Also very popular in Australia.

12. Cad – n., untrustable person to be regarded with contempt/envy. See also blighter, rotter, swine. Mild.

13. Cack – n., shit. Also: Cack-handed – adj, clumsy, inept. A cack-handed execution will often lead to a cock-up. Mild. Use merrily.

14. Chav – n., working-class person with an urban sporty style. Very patronising. Avoid.

15. Cobblers – n., nonsense. Very mild.

16. Cock-up – n., snafu. As a verb, means to screw up drastically. Mild.

17. Codger – n., an old man, often grumpy. Mild.

18. Crikey – n., expression of astonishment. Synonym for Christ.

19. Cunt – n., vagina; an unpleasant or stupid person. Strong, but much less offensive than in the US. Can be used as an adjective in the related word cuntish. Use with care, unless writing a piece based on East End gangsterisms.

20. Dickhead – n., a stupid, irritating person, usually a man. Moderate strength. See also: knob, knobhead, knobber.

21. Duffer – n., elderly idiot. Mild.

22. Feck – milder Irish variant of fuck that caught on in the UK thanks to the ’90s sitcom Father Ted.

23. Git – n., someone who has just beaten you at pool, stolen your spouse, bought the last pasty in the shop, got the job you wanted, or in some other way won one over on you. Mild.

24. Gordon Bennett – n., variant on “Gorblimey!” and the profane outburst “Jesus Christ!” Derives from the Victorian publisher and playboy James Gordon Bennett Jr. Mild.

25. Gormless – adj., dim. Mild.

26. Knob, knobend, knobhead, knobber – n., a stupid, irritating person, usually a man. “Knob” is a synonym for penis. Mild.

27. Manky – adj., worthless, disgusting. Mild.

28. Minger – n., a very unattractive person or thing. Mild.

29. Minging – adj., foul, disgusting, worthless. Mild.

30. Munter – n., unattractive woman. Avoid.

31. Naff – adj., tasteless, crap. Mild.

32. Numpty – n., Scottish idiot. Mild.

33. Nutter – n., crazy person. A synonym for the US “nut”. Avoid.

34. Pillock – n., idiot. Mild.

35. Pish – n., Scottish piss.

36. Pissed off – angry, synonym for the US “pissed”. Medium strength.

37. Plonker – n., annoying idiot. Immortalised in the ’80s BBC sitcom Only Fools and Horses. Mild.

38. Poxy – adj., riddled with pox; crappy, third-rate. Mild.

39. Prat – n., idiot. Mild.

40. Rotter – n., person to be regarded with contempt/envy. See also blighter, rotter, swine. Mild, unless of course preceded by a strong intensifier, as in Steve Jones’ line: “What a fucking rotter.”

41. Scrubber – n., promiscuous woman. Avoid.

42. Shite – n., variant of shit. Moderate. Used in a bewildering variety of constructions, including gobshite, shitehawk, and Steve Coogan’s Paul Calf catchphrase, “bag o’ shite”.

43. Swine – noun, person to be regarded with contempt/envy. See also blighter, cad, rotter, swine. Mild.

44. Taking the piss/Mick/Michael – taking liberties, making fun of. Mild.

45. Tosser – n. masturbator; despicable person. A milder synonym for wanker.

46. Tuss – n, Cornish idiot. Synonym for either penis or “someone from St Just”, depending who you ask.

47. Twat – n., vagina; rotter. Milder synonym for cunt. Can also be used as a verb to mean hit (“Watch me while I twat him”) or inebriated (“I was twatted”). Use with care.

48. Wally – n., fool. Possibly short for Walter. Terribly mild.

49. Wanker – n., masturbator; despicable person. As a verb, can also mean very inebriated (“I was absolutely wankered”). Strong. See also: tosser.

[Long Run]

1. Arse

It is also true that you cannot spell a certain FC without it.