I'm going to be sick.

[datsunaholic]

I just found out that a good friend of mine is moving in with a white supremacist. A mutual friend had told me that the guy was a skinhead, but I took it as jealousy and didn't believe it.

I can't believe he was right. The man in question was an active KKK member in Oregon, but moved to Idaho after getting "Outed" as one. He's still active on the KKK forums. I can't believe she wouldn't know this. Then again he hadn't told her he'd been previously married either until they were months into their relationship. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised actually, knowing her political leanings. She claims God guides her life. I can't see how.

I'm going to throw up. I'm no good at keeping secrets. This one is a land mine.

I need to tell myself over and over that no good can come of revealing this to our mutual friends and family. I only posted it here because no one here knows the other parties in question.

[RayThom]

... She claims God guides her life.

Yeah, right. More like God 'misguides' her life. She probably thinks she can change this Neanderthal. She'll soon find out that's not possible, but by that time she'll be trapped and dependent on him. Life is choices -- she has made hers.

I'm guessing her father was/is much like the new boyfriend. Some people just can't break the cycle of abuse.

dats, there's nothing you can do. Move on and put all that energy into building a better you.

[datsunaholic]

No, her father is nearly the exact opposite. Religious but not overbearingly so. I'm really good friends with her dad, actually. He's a retiree, almost my Mom's age. He thinks the world of his soon to be son in law, but he doesn't see or blocks out the issues. He's the one that told me the guy was previously married, though. He's always telling me what's happening. Good and bad. It's kind of strange, actually.

But you're right- she likes "bad boys". Just like her girlfriends. 3 of them were or are dating drug dealers or drug addicts. But maybe that's it- they think they can "save" them.

I get it- I should just detach and walk away. It's not that easy though. I can physically walk away but I cannot mentally detatch. Never have. I don't understand how some people make it seem so easy. I have a mental image of every person I have ever met and how we interacted and the feelings I felt at the time. I can't let go because it's inside.

As for me building a better me, well, I haven't finished with the jackhammer trying to locate the real rock bottom yet. But I've picked where to dig. I might be simply undermining the rotten foundation. Yeah, it's not healthy. I'm getting a lot of experience in getting rejected though.

[RayThom]

dats, you need a clean slate. Find a job online that fits your skill set in a distant cosmopolitan city and/or state and make the move. Join a gym and sign up for a class that interests you at the local community college. In a few months you'll realize just how free you really are.

People who move away from the ties that bind are the most successful. Staying where you are is not an option. You'll be old before you know it and looking back in anger and frustration will surely kill you.

But, hey, what the hell do I know?

[ex-khobar Andy]

Not sure there is much you can do, especially as she seems to think maybe she can reform a bad boy.

Maybe all you can do both for her and for yourself, is get on with your own life but let her know you are still around so maybe you can help her to pick up the pieces when she needs it.

[datsunaholic]

Found out today that another friend is a closet bigot himself.

Quote: "I'd rather be with a white supremacist than a Muslim."

They're everywhere.

I had the whitest childhood of anyone- my grade school was 100% white. My High School had less than 20 non-white kids (out of around 400) and zero non-white teachers. How is it that I see racial, religious, and sexual intolerance as wrong? Is it because I didn't SEE the segregation since I didn't see anyone who wasn't white? That all I saw were cliques?

[ex-khobar Andy]

I wonder if this is partly a Trump effect.

Usually the reason someone is a closet anything (bigot, gay, saxophone player, Francophile) is they are concerned that their friends (boss, spouse, parents, neighbors) will disapprove. If said friends (etc) are outwardly (say) bigots then the fear of disapproval goes away and inhibitions are loosened. It may be that this is selective and it might be instructive to determine the occurrence of outwardly and happily gay men who are in dread that their secret predilection for saxophone 'music' will be exposed for all to see and they will suffer the consequent (and in my view deserved) derision of their friends.

Since the election of pussy grabber / bigot / lover of gold paint / bathrobe hater Trump, who seems not to care that the world is constantly updated on his irrational likes and dislikes, it has become OK for many that they hitherto secret vices and foibles become publicly known. After all, he was elected president in full knowledge that he was these ways inclined. I think your friend probably always was a bigot, Dat, and it has only recently become apparently acceptable to be openly so.

[Guinevere]

Partly? I'd bet its principally a Trump effect. Hate, racisms, misogyny, and white supremacists have been emboldened by the so-called president and his gang of haters. Ask anyone who is jewish, or black, or female.

[Sue U]

Since the election of pussy grabber / bigot / lover of gold paint / bathrobe hater Trump, who seems not to care that the world is constantly updated on his irrational likes and dislikes, it has become OK for many that they hitherto secret vices and foibles become publicly known. After all, he was elected president in full knowledge that he was these ways inclined. I think your friend probably always was a bigot, Dat, and it has only recently become apparently acceptable to be openly so.

Go ahead, XKA, hate away, if you even can:

[MGMcAnick]

Usually the reason someone is a closet anything (bigot, gay, saxophone player, Francophile) is they are concerned that their friends (boss, spouse, parents, neighbors) will disapprove.

Well, accordion maybe.

[Darren]

Partly? I'd bet its principally a Trump effect. Hate, racisms, misogyny, and white supremacists have been emboldened by the so-called president and his gang of haters. Ask anyone who is jewish, or black, or female.

The odd bit there is the number of Jewish executives in Trump companies and Trump's actions on Israel. Those attacking Jews don't need a new excuse unless they are against Israel. I think both you and Andy are correct in the sense that a standard bearer of sorts like Trump and Obama as president may be misinterpreted. A lot of racists came out of the woodwork when Obama was elected. For as many that saw him as a guiding light others saw him as incompetent justifying their racial intolerance. Same with Trump. Envisioning either as 100% good or bad supports divisiveness and roadblocks fruitful discussion.

[datsunaholic]

Well, apparently I wasn't the first one to find out. Her dad pulled me aside tonight and asked me what I knew after someone else had tipped him off (several other someone elses- including his other daughter). No surprise he knew I'd know something.

[ex-khobar Andy]

Partly? I'd bet its principally a Trump effect. Hate, racisms, misogyny, and white supremacists have been emboldened by the so-called president and his gang of haters. Ask anyone who is jewish, or black, or female.

The odd bit there is the number of Jewish executives in Trump companies and Trump's actions on Israel. Those attacking Jews don't need a new excuse unless they are against Israel. I think both you and Andy are correct in the sense that a standard bearer of sorts like Trump and Obama as president may be misinterpreted. A lot of racists came out of the woodwork when Obama was elected. For as many that saw him as a guiding light others saw him as incompetent justifying their racial intolerance. Same with Trump. Envisioning either as 100% good or bad supports divisiveness and roadblocks fruitful discussion.

Trump has never denied the remark attributed to him that he didn't want black guys counting his money, but short guys in yarmulkes. 1980 s vintage, IIRC.

[BoSoxGal]

Well, apparently I wasn't the first one to find out. Her dad pulled me aside tonight and asked me what I knew after someone else had tipped him off (several other someone elses- including his other daughter). No surprise he knew I'd know something.

Is this the same mixed-up gal pal from previous stories, or a new mixed up gal pal?

[datsunaholic]

Well, I have 2 messed up gal pals, but yeah it's the same one.

After the issue blew up in April I left her alone. But we have a LOT of mutual friends, and pretty much everyone knew the story. We actually reconciled back in July at a boat race where we both crewed on the same team. It was my biggest anxious moment figuring out how to handle that, and she approached me. In fact she said she wanted to talk more but we didn't have the time. I met her new boyfriend and everything seemed OK. Not "back to the way it was" just not avoiding each other. Except that mutual friends told me certain things. Which I didn't believe... until another said the same thing. And as I mentioned before, I work with her dad down at the museum.

So here's the timeline, since if I'm gonna get blasted for this I might as well lay out the details. Back in October we had our big year ending Vintage boat exhibition, so we were all there. A friend, I'll call him "J", had gotten a little bit drunk at the kickoff meet and greet along with some other friends. I'd come by the table to say hi and he made the same stupid "threat" he makes every year that he's gonna hire strippers or hookers to send to my hotel room. It's a bad joke he does every year but this time he had others around when he said it. Our friend "K" (who is a woman) told me I needed to get laid, I said that wasn't happening. "J" said I should hook up with (the girl in question) which I responded with A) I'm too old for her and B she has a boyfriend so that was NOT going to happen. That's where he tells me (in front of everyone at the table) that her boyfriend is an "effing skinhead". Now, J is drunk and has been jealous ever since (said girl) told him she would never, ever date him. Because he'd tried, all last year. They'd been good buddies but now THEY weren't on speaking terms. So at the time I'd let it go as jealous blather, since the boyfriend lives Northern Idaho I just figured that was "J"s reasoning.

Now, said girl's dad noticed that "J" was giving her the cold shoulder all weekend. See, she was crewing on her Dad's boat. Her boyfriend didn't come, but she brought her new male BFF and her female best friend to the event. Her new male BFF and I are acquaintances. We are both friends of "J". Both friends of her dad. This guy, I'll label "T" is older than I am and is madly in love with the girl in question. More on that later. Anyhow, her dad asked me what was up with "J" and I mentioned he was pissed off and called her boyfriend a skinhead, which her Dad also shrugged off as "J" being "J".

Fast forward a month. Said girl's boyfriend replied to a couple FB posts I'd sent, she'd posted photos of her dog and such. Remember, we had reconciled back in August so she had occasionally likes a few of my FB pictures (mostly ones she was tagged in) and vice versa. Nothing major. This one was me wishing her well on her move to Idaho. He'd replied to it. I'd clicked his profile to take a look, he'd made his profile photo one of him and her with a Confederate flag frame.

Hm. Well, not a smoking gun, but I went down the rabbit hole anyway. Punched his name into Google.

1st freaking hit was his profile on the Portland area ANTIFA website identifying him as the perpetrator of an anti-gay/white supremacist leaflet and poster "campaign" at Portland area colleges. Along with his online handles for his twitter, instagram, and FB pages (all closed except the Instagram one) and exerpts from his posting on the west coast KKK message boards. Not circumstantial stuff- he posted pictures of himself putting up the signs (which were crude and written on cardboard).

Shit. That's when I posted this thread.

So, Tuesday at the museum her Dad told me that "T" had found out the same thing, and was keeping tabs on the boyfriend. In fact "T" moved her to Idaho, missing the regional race meeting/awards ceremony and on his own dime. He'd had a long talk with her Dad where he again professed his love for her when he went to pick up her Dryer to drive it the 350 miles cross state to (boyfriends) house in Idaho. Plus, her sister had also said the same thing- in fact it was the reason she didn't want the boyfriend at her baby shower. I didn't draw this info out, her dad TOLD me this. The worry is that because she is extremely impressionable- she always mimics and blends to whomever she is around- that the boyfriend could corrupt her into something very, very bad.

So, I asked him if he really wanted to know what I found. He did. So I told him. So that's that. The weight of holding that secret is gone.

Was it the right thing to do? I don't know. But I would have found out sooner or later.
Because it's a big freaking soap opera.

Next up:
Tales of my bipolar former high school crush, the 3 hours she spent messaging me from the ER after she ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills (a conversation she had no recollection of the next day), her infatuation with bridges, death, and the fact that she can't find that special someone. But everytime I ask to come visit she's too busy. Including when I drove to freaking Southern California and was literally 5 miles away. Then shows me what kind of profile pics guys send her on a dating app. The latest, the guy's picture was him sucking face with a largemouth bass.

Or maybe I'll just stick with taking pictures of trees like I do in Instagram. People seem to like my tree pictures.

[Sue U]

I don't get all the tip-toeing around; some things are just NOT COOL, and if she is truly your friend you should say so. "You know your boyfriend is a nazi klansman racist white supremacist, right? You know these guys are misogynists, too, right? And you're okay with that? 'Cause I'm not. It's your decision to get involved with this guy and throw in with this crowd, but if that's the decision you're making, then bye, girl."

[Crackpot]

Sometimes a subtle approach yields better results than the direct approach. Especially amongst those who tend to think they know it all especially in areas where the people you are trying to convince are in control of the situation.

As a designer I have long learned that the best way to get a design improvement implemented is to convince the engineer that it was thier idea.

[RayThom]

Well, I have 2 messed up gal pals, but yeah it's the same one...

Very sad. Without forward movement you're doomed.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

[ex-khobar Andy]

As a designer I have long learned that the best way to get a design improvement implemented is to convince the engineer that it was thier idea.

Yes: and the best way to do that is the hairy arm technique.

[Crackpot]

I'm afraid to ask.