Ordered a spanking new iPhone 4 last Wednesday, Three allowed us to select our delivery date ... Oooh they deliver Saturday we’ll have it then seeing as though we’re at home with not much on.
Saturday, waiting ..... Waiting .... WAITING!!
Wait... Where’s the phone it’s 5pm and Royal Mail really won’t be making any deliveries now .... Disappointment raineth down upon Our House
Sunday Afternoon ... Telephone call.... >Kzzzrtkkkkkkkkkkkkksssssshhh< “Hello is that Miss S, could you confirm your address and date of birth?”
Me: “Yeeeeessss. Who is this?”
Him “This is Kashir from Kzzzzrrrtkkkssshh mobile, can you confirm your address and date of birth?”
Me “What is this about please??”
Him “I need you address and date of birth, we cannot continue this call with out it”
Me “Well hold on, you’re calling me ... I don’t know who you are and you’re asking for my private information”
Him “You have ordered iPhone 4 from us, I am needing three months worth of your bank statements to prove who you are.....”
Me “Ahh right.... Wait....What??”
Him “I am needing three month, bank statements.....”
Me “Yes I heard that...Why do you need them?”
Him “To prove who you are...”
Me “Yes, but why do you need proof we already have an account with you for a 3G dataplan?”
Him “Oh!”
<Pause>
Him “This application is in different name ... We are checking for fraud, credit department have asked for three months of bank statements”
Me “Well, I’m not sending them to you ... Have you any idea how insecure that would be?”
Him “Credit Control are needing them Miss”
Me “RIGHT. Put me through to Credit Control and I will speak to them”
>Kzzzzrhhhht ...click<
Olly Murs... You bastards, you’ve put me through to Olly Murs!!
>Click<
Credit Control “Hello Miss, we are needing proof of who you are”
Me “Yes but why?”
Credit Control “Because we have two names on the same bank account details”
Me “That will be because it’s a JOINT BANK ACCOUNT!! We have put The full name of the account in both applications you should have the names RJC & SJS on the application is that correct??”
Credit Control “Yes”
Me: “So those names correlate to the account for 3G data in the name of RJC and the application for iPhone in the name of SJS??”
Credit Control “Yes”
Me “So what’s the problem?”
Credit Control “there is no problem Miss”
Me “So why did “Kashir” call me asking for three months worth of bank statements??”
Credit Control “He DID??”
Me “Yes”
Credit Control “You should NEVER give your bank statements out to people”
Me “No Shit... So is there a problem with delivering my iPhone??”
Credit Control “No Miss, I have released your order now, I will put you through to the despatch team for delivery details”
Me “Thank you”
>Ksshhhhzzzzrt Click<
Oh you UTTER bastards, now you’ve put me through to Mark Knopfler....
>Click<
Me “Hi, is that the despatch team I’d like to find out when you’re going to deliver my iPhone reference xxxxxx that should have been with me yesterday?”
Despatch “We can’t deliver your phone until we’ve had one of your bank statements from the last three months”
Me “What ... The bloke from Credit Control just told me that he’s released the order and there’s no NEED for ANY bank statements?”
Despatch “Well Credit Control are nothing to do with us, WE need a bank statement from the last three months”
Me “Oh For Goodness Sake!!! Right if I scan the header on a statement and email it over to you will that do?”
Despatch “Yes”
Me “OK what email address??”
Despatch “dsl@phones4u.co.uk......”
Me “Woooooooah Nelly!, Phones4u?? I’ve not bought this through phones4u I’ve ordered this directly online from the three store”
Despatch “well we do some of the work for Three and I’ve been told we need bank statements before I can deliver your phone”
Me “Right, I’ve had enough of this I’m gonna cancel and get the phone elsewhere”
Despatch “Well you can’t do that through us you’ll have to ring customer services.. The number is XXXXX XXXXXX”
**sigh**
>Dials<
“Welcome to Three... Did you know we've been rated Number 1 for iPhone by an independent Yougov survey....
“Please choose one of the following options”
“If you’re considering buying from us press ONE for all other customer services enquiries press TWO”
>presses two<
“If your enquiry is regarding the number you are calling from, press ONE. If you are calling about another number press TWO. If you’re considering buying a new phone or iPad press THREE”
Hmmm, I don’t have a number yet. And I’m already buying a new phone from you ... Must be option TWO
>presses two<
“Please enter the telephone you are calling about... The number should begin 07”
But I don’t have a number yet!
“I’m sorry we didn’t get your number. Please enter the telephone you are calling about... The number should begin 07.”
>presses zero in the hope this puts me through to a human<
“I’m sorry we didn’t get your number. Please enter the telephone you are calling about... The number should begin 07.”
>hangs up<
>redial<
“Welcome to Three... Did you know we've been rated Number 1 for iPhone by an independent Yougov survey....
“Please choose one of the following options”
“If you’re considering buying from us press ONE for all other customer services enquiries press TWO”
>presses one<
Twenty minutes and Several Options Later.... Including a fun five minutes when it keeps sending me round in circles through the same options menu...
Her “Hello this is Ashila from Three how may I help you today”
Me “Look I’ve got this problem reference order XXXXXX...... [proceeds to give her chapter and verse on the whole sorry tale]
Her “Madam, I can see your order on the system it has been released”
Me “So why did the woman from phones4u say she wouldn’t release my order for despatch??”
Her “I’m not sure, you will have to call despatch directly as I cannot put you through from here. This is the number XXXXX XXXXXX”
Me **sigh** “Thank you”
>dials<
Despatch “Hi your through to Kevin at Three How may I help you today??”
Me “Hi Kevin, sorry you have to hear all this.... [Again proceeds to go through the last hour and a half of Three induced torment”
Kevin “Yes Miss S, I understand your frustration, just to let you know that your order is released, Royal Mail will be collecting it from us tomorrow and will be with you on Tuesday”
Me “Oh, Right”
Beep Beep.. Beep Beep
Me “hang on I’ve just got a text from you .... Yes thanks that’s showing despatched now”
Kevin “thanks for calling Three is there anything else I can help you with today”
Me “No... But if this phone doesn’t materialise on Tuesday I WILL be raining Hate and Misery down on Three, you know that don’t you?”
Kevin “Yes Miss, thank you, goodbye”
