1. First, you have to tell me what kind of underwear you’re wearing.
2. I’m sorry, but I’m really busy right now. Give me your home number and III call you back later tonight.
3. Shhh. Wait a minute. I’m here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?
4. When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: Yes, but I never allow her/him to talk to strangers.
5. When someone asks how you are: Well, I’m having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain…
6. You want to sell me insurance? I’ve been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!
7. To someone hawking a rug-cleaning service, whisper: Do you get goats blood out? How about identifiable fibers and that DNA stuff?
8. To a phone company solicitor: That sounds great! Wait, can you hold for a minute? (Leave the phone off the hook until he or she hangs up).
9. When a chimney sweep or rug cleaner calls, break into tears and sob, Is this some kind of a joke? My house burned down last night. We lost everything!
10. Learn show tunes. Anything by Ethel Merman tends to be the most effective.
11. Pretend you don’t speak English.
12. Say “Hold on,” then scream to a nonexistent person: “If you try to take the knife out, it’ll just hurt worse!”
13. Burst into tears when money is mentioned.
14. Ask if the deal is good for all your personalities.
15. Tell them you’ll accept their offer if they can guess the color of your underwear.
16. Repeat everything they say in the form of a question.
17. As soon as they identify themselves, say, “You guys are still in business? Well, I guess the bomb has another 30 seconds.”
18. Tell them the restraining order applies to phone calls as well as physical distance.
19. Mutter: “Aww, damn. Not another one. The last one almost got me the death penalty.”
20. HANG UP THE PHONE!
I'll have to try some of these
I'll have to try some of these
20 RESPONSES FOR TELEMARKETERS:
"Hang on while I log in to the James Webb telescope to search the known universe for who the fuck asked you." -- James Fell
Re: I'll have to try some of these
“Ok, it’s done but there is blood everywhere”
Re: I'll have to try some of these
Guy I work with tried #11, answering in Spanish.
The telemarketer was fluent.
The telemarketer was fluent.
Treat Gaza like Carthage.
Re: I'll have to try some of these
I often will say "Привет" (privyet - Russian for 'Hi') when answering. Used to just get dead air and then a "Hello??" Honestly, it's not as much fun anymore as 99% of the calls are bots and there is nobody on the other side.
Re: I'll have to try some of these
"Hello" triggers the bot to begin speaking. When I answer in business fashion, "MG McAnick's" the bot hangs up immediately.
A friend of Doc's, one of only two B-29 bombers still flying.
Re: I'll have to try some of these
I once answered, "Nut farm, cashew speaking!" My boss promptly sprayed coffee out his nose.
Treat Gaza like Carthage.