oldr_n_wsr's alcoholic adventure

[Gob]

Good news is always welcome!

[alice]

Just a quick note, still not drinking and I got my prostate biopsy results back and all samples came back benign. I am a happy camper. My testosterone levels are low and we are doing more tests on that, but I am happy.

Off to a meeting, I should be back later.

yayyyyy ... on both counts!!!!

And regarding the drinking, you've got amazing strength and willpower, and I am in awe of how well you're doing. I want to say 'I'm proud of you' but I think you're getting tired of hearing that!! But you're progressing with a determination and self-discipline that is awesome to 'see' (cyberly speaking).
Keep up the great achievement, one step at a time

[oldr_n_wsr]

Thanks everyone. Only problem I have now is a very low testosterone level (male menapause?). Doc has me going for yet another blood test but in the mean time told me to exercise more. Guess I could do that although I have always thought of exercise a waste of good energy. I mean instead of lifting weights, why not chop wood? But then again, my woodpile is full so........

Anyway, back to alcoholism.
A lot of people in the meetings say how they will die sober and be happy about it, which got me to thinking about death and this thing called alcoholism.

I was powerwashing the pavers and driveway this past weekend (brain really puts in a workout even if the body doesn't) and thoughts went to how I really wish my mom was still alive (she died of cancer back in July 1998). She also was an alcoholic who had finally given up and sought recovery in AA. And, as I have done, signed up and attended outpatient groups for addicts. She remained sober for 10+ years up until the final week of her life when she asked for a drink and dad made her an "Old Fashioned". (I still have no idea what's in that, but was her favorite drink). Both she and us knew she was dieing and that the end wasn't very far off. The week before they had tried a last ditch roud of some chemo that burned the skin if it got on it. How it didn't strip the insides of your blood vessels is a mystery to me. They tried administering it and the veins they treid collapsed and it got on her skin and burned her. That's when she "that's enough" and she came home.

She had suffered with cancer a few years before she died and at the time we thought she had beat it. It was in remission and while not totally clean, it was not active. Things change in a year. It came back and it came back with a vengence. They detected the bought with it in January and by the end of July she was dead. In the mean time I was very happy, and so was she, that she got to see both her sons finally graduate from college. (we were on the 12 year plan both holding down jobs and supporting and raisign families while we attended college). I have a picture of me, my mom and my brother taken at graduation ceremony that hangs in my living room. Mom in her wheel chair and me and my brother in our gowns. I look at it often.

During her last month or two of regular chemo she was having a hard time with the side effects, much worse than the first round a year or two before. I half suggested that she try smoking pot to relieve some of the symptoms and to my surprise she asked if I could "obtain" some. It had been years since I smoked, no less bought pot, but a few of my connections were still active in teh trade and I was able to get some. When I told the guy what it was for, he just gave it to me, no charge. So I guess mom wasn't "clean" for that June and July, but to that I say "tuff shit".

She fought as good a fight as she could and in the end the cancer got her. I can't say the alcohol got her as I have every reason to believe had she thought she had more than a few days left she would not have asked for, and definately not have had, those drinks on her dieing days.

I wish she was still around so I could talk to her about what I am going through. But I am coming to realize that maybe it was her who got me through the Easter get together. I remember all the parties and family get togethers where she didn't pick up a drink and seemed to have no trouble not drinking. Maybe she is my insperation or is giving me a boost from the great beyond. Either way, I'll take it. See, my mom and I had a certain "bond" that went beyond the normal. Times I would go and pick up the phone to call her and she was already on the phone calling me. Never a ring, just "hello oldr". When I got busted up in Buffalo at 4am in the morning, she was calling me at 4:15am to see what was wrong with me. Of course I didn't get back to her well into the next day, but she knew. And the real "connection" was the night (early morning) she died.

My parents were still living on Long Island and we had the house on the lake in Pa. Back then, my family and my borthers family always spent the last week of July up at the house fishing, swimming drinking, etc. This year was no exception. We stopped at my parents house before heading up and talked to my dad about how maybe we shouldn't, what if... and dad said to go and so did mom so we did. Dad even said that if mom felt a little better he would put her in the car and come up to the house. I remember saying good bye to my mom and knowing that would be the last time I saw her alive and I think she did too.

Anyway, my brother was a day late in coming and joined us the next day. He said moms condition was pretty much unchanged and she said we should enjoy ourselves. We all went out to dinner that night and got a little shit-faced (I believe it's "pissed" to you aussies). We came home and went to sleep. Around 3:20am I woke up and went into the liveing to get a cigarette and noticed someone sitting in the chair my mom always sat in. The chair had it's back to me and for a second thought it was my sister in law but then I realized it was my mom. I asked her when did they get here and what she was doing here and she answered, "I'm alright now". Being half asleep and half drunk I went and found my cigarettes and when I turned back around no one was in the chair.

I knew then that mom had died. I smoked my cigarette and I slept until 10am the next morning and was the last one to wake up. By then everyone else knew and before they even told me I told them that mom was dead. My wife looked shocked and I told them the story from teh night before. They all thouhgt I was dreaming until I told them it happened around 3:20am and they realized dad had said mom died around 3:15am.

Think what you may, I know what I believe. So mom, thanks for your hand in helping me get through this, be it from the great beyond, from the lessons I learned from you or the insperation you were to me.

[The Hen]

Wow.


Just wow.

[@meric@nwom@n]

It's hard to believe other people's tales like this unless you have experienced similar-that last visit i mean. My mother had a couple of similar experiences. I never have but accept that there are those who do.

[dales]

Thanks for sharing, oldr.

I believe that having a drink or two upon one's demise is a lot different than dying an alcoholic.

Indeed, a major argument can be made for the medicinal use of marijuana to relieve the unpleasant symptoms of chemotherapy.

When my mother died of lung cancer, she was on a morphine drip and ANTHING to relieve the symptoms of cancer should be a no-brainer.

Later upon the evening of her death, I went home and ingested a bit of psylocibin (mushrooms) and watched a Fellini film. The imagery in that film aided me greatly in understanding her passing and my own relation to death.

That was almost 5 years ago and I reflect on the event often as a catalyst for a "circle of life" that continues to this very day.

[Sue U]

I went home and ingested a bit of psylocibin (mushrooms) and watched a Fellini film.

Wow, talk about an evening fully planned!

[Timster]

Seems to have been very Cathartic. . .

[Rick]

I went home and ingested a bit of psylocibin

Sauteed?

Inquiring minds...

[dales]

Dried

[Timster]

I prefer the fresh ones. Right out of the cowpie. Blended into a Tequila beverage. Oh shit.

Sorry oldr. I digressed for a minute. Dales Started it!

[The Hen]

Fresh, on toast with honey to remove the bitter taste.

Otherwise, just chewed fresh if I couldn't be arsed with eating toast.

[Timster]

PERFECT!~

[oldr_n_wsr]

Have you ever been given a glass of something and it turned out to be something else? Likebeing told what you were drinking was ice tea and it turned out to be redbull? Your tastebuds are ready for ise tea and then something else is running over them and for a second you really believe it's ice tea but the protest from your tongue and throat are saying it's redbull. I had that happen to me on friday only it wasn't ice tea and it was a little stronger than redbull.

It's friday morning and we have arrived at the daughter and her friends house. We drive down on thursday and I have to say it is the first drive down to the Univ of Maryland I have made that the second after checking in to the motel and getting the bags up to the room that I did not walk next door (from the hotel) and sat down at the bar and had at least 5 Jack & cokes.We even went out to dinner which was my first "out to dinner" since I went into rehab way back in February and I only had water. Normally I would have had at least 2 beers or Jack & cokes before we ordered appetizers, and at least 4 before dinner.

On Wednesday I checked out hte AA website and found a meeting on thursday that was not far from my hotel so after dinner I went to my meeting. There were only about 8 of us total but I like smaller meetings, more time to share more time to get to know others. They are not just "I am John Smith and I'm an alcoholic" as they seem to be in larger attended meetings. Even in the short hour and a half I got to know a few of those there at the meeting and we found some real common ground where we are really no more than 4 degrees of seperation (and I hated that movie). I asked if they knew of any meetings in the area in the 9-10pm time frame on friday but all meetings they know of are around 8pm and we have dinner reservations at 7pm so I figure I am missing my first meeting since mid February. Oh well, I did bring my big book so I will have to satisfy my meeting urge with reading a chapter with that.

So now it's Friday and we (me, my wife, my dad and my aunt) go out to breakfast at the diner next to the hotel. There is something great about having a couple of eggs (over easy) bacon (or your meat of choice) with hashbrowns, toast and unlimited coffee. We eat up and talk about how lucky we were regarding traffic the day before and how nice the weather is today so that moving my daughters move will not be a problem. We finish up and head over to the duaghters off campus house.

We go over to my daughters to get her stuff packed away before her graduation ceremony which is at 3pm, but she has to be there at 2pm. Being the great daughter that she is, NOTHING is ready to be brought out to the van and be packed away. In fact, she only woke up when my wife phoned her as we were leaving the hotel to come to her house, travel time about 10 minutes.

When we get there my wife and aunt have a serious talk to my daughter about how we are there to take her stuff home and she better start getting it in gear that we (me and dad) are going to pack the van and anything not packed in the van either fits in her car when she leaves on monday or stays there and gets given to the next tenants or gets thrown out. On top of that, anything that I bought for the house or her room that doesn't come home with us, she will have to repay me. Yeah I'm a bastard with regard to that. I pay for it, you chuck it out, now you pay for it. I figure it teaches them a little bit about the value of money and possesions.

So me and dad are carrying stuff from her room to the van for a few hours. It's amzing how much crap a girl can accumulate in two years out on her own. I mean her room at home was already filled with her stuff up to and including her dresser full of clothes. So I have no idea where she is going to fit the three 32 gallon garbage bage and two hampers worth of clothes that we brought back. My son had 1/3 to 1/4 the amount of stuff when he finally came home.

Anyway, me and dad get done and all she can possibly part with is packed away. Everything left she will have to fit into her own car on monday when she comes home. My wife, who has been helping by wrappinf and packing up the kitchen stuff (dishes, glases, etc) comes out and asks if me and dad are thirsty. It's been about 80°F and sunny for most of the morning so we both ay yes, we are thirsty. My wife says the girls have both Pepsi and Gatorade and what wouls we like. Dad says Pepsi and I say Gatorade. My wife comes out with two glasses, one with Pepsi and on with Gatorade both with 2 or 3 ice cubes. I look at the Gatorade and see that it is red. Now I have never had "red" Gatorade always having had the light green stuff which I think was the original version of gatorade. I have no idea what it is going to tast like but I am guessing close to the original with maybe a cherry taste. But I don't care as I am dieing of thirst so I take a big gulp and immediatley find it tasting "strange".

Remember how when you drink something and expect it to be something (or taste a certain way) and it isn't? well that was this. While I didn't know what it was supposed to tast like, I knew it wasn't supposed to taste like this. In fact I knew the taste and that taste was VODKA. Turns out they had had a party the night before and they premixed the Gatorade with vodka. My wife didn't know and the daughter was not consulted before it was poured.

We all know how when you are thirsty you take a big gulp or two just to cool the throat off and get as much fluid into you as soon as possible and this instance was no exception. The first gulp wenyt down and the taste bud knew something was wrong but it was too late to stop the swallow. The second gulp was following right behind and was caught mid throat. At that point the brain finally caught up and gave the evac order to the throat/mouth. The remaider of the second gulp went spewing across the patio/lawn (good thing we were outside at the time) with the force of projectile vomiting. Everyone there asked what was wrong and I held up the glass and said, "what is in this". They all either smelled or tasted and agreed it was mixed with vodka. My daughter was very sorry (she knows about my "problem as does my son) and I assured her that it was ok that it was unintentional and that there was "no harm, no foul". The wife was equally sorry but I said how could she know.

I drank, not through choice but entirely through accident. I wish I had had the urge to drink more after I took the gulp and a half and had fought off the urge but there was no urge at all. Now I have to fight off the thought that I could have a drink or two as I already did and didn't have the urge to have another drink. To the alcoholic one drink is too many and I have to remind myself that I cannot have even one drink.

[Crackpot]

That just means you're getting better not cured (there is no "cured") mind you but better. It's about your body starting to accept that it doesn't need its fix. After many many years I know have reached the point that I don't like cigarette smoke, (i never liked the smell of stale smoke but the fresh stuff was yummy) but, still I know that one smoke would likely lead to another and that one would ever so much more lead to the next and so on until I was smoking as much if not more than before.

So frame it keep it in it's proper reference and don't allow your ego a chance to believe that it is has power over your addiction rather that you were taken by surprise by something that you weren't expecting and didn't want.

[Gob]

Well done for not following through with more drinking mate.

(I once bit into what was alleged to be a cheese and mushroom pasty, which turned out to be ham and cheese, I damn near hurled too.)

[Sean]

Bad cheese was it?

[BoSoxGal]

oldr,

Thanks for sharing that story about your mother. I believe in things like that, although they rarely happen to me.

A few years ago when I moved briefly back to southcoast MA, I had a similar experience - but unrelated to time of death. On a terrifically warm day in early January, I visited the private beach in Chatham that my grandparents owned when I was a young child and where I spent the happiest times of my life; I was walking the beach collecting shells and a gal my age or a bit older and her elderly parents stopped to talk with me and pass the time of day. While I was talking to them, I looked back up the beach to the jetty that sits right in front of where my grandparents' Cape house once stood and I saw an older, white-haired lady sitting on the jetty looking out to sea. I thought briefly that I would like to go and pass the time of day with her as well, and ask her if she knew my grandmother - but once the folks I was talking to walked on, I looked again and she was gone. I walked back up that direction immediately, but saw no trace of her.

I have convinced myself ever since that it was my grandmother I saw; my grandmother who died after I was exiled to Arizona in search of employment, and who I never got to see again in the two years after I kissed her goodbye on my way out of state. It had weighed heavily on my heart for a long time that I wasn't with her in her final weeks and months, because she was quite simply the most loving person in my childhood and I owe her the happiest times of my life. After I saw 'her' on the beach that day, on her beach where she took me clamming, and where we searched tidal pools together for starfish and hermit crabs, where we walked in the sand and wiggled our toes and felt the sunrise and sunset on our bare skin - well, I have been at peace about losing her ever since that day. Seeing 'her' sitting happily on her jetty, looking out to sea toward Nantucket, watching the gulls and a lone sailboat in the Sound - I am certain she is at peace and that she wanted me to know so I could be at peace, too.

I'm not particularly religious. But I do think these things happen to help us through; whether they are the spirits of the recently passed at work, or just the workings of our incredibly complex minds - all that matters is that they help us through.

I want to thank you again for sharing all of the incredibly personal stuff you are sharing in this thread; I think it is probably cathartic for you and in that sense a useful tool in assisting your recovery. It is also, I am certain, cathartic for some of us - we tackle our own 'shit' best in light of being reminded that we all have 'shit'.

I am grateful that you are sober today.

Hugs,
bsg

[oldr_n_wsr]

I am grateful that you are sober today.

So am I, I made it through another day.
I think tomorrow is my "pee test" day at outpatient. Not that that is reason I am staying sober, but it has been their habit, every two weeks on the Wednesday. Pretty stupid if you ask me as an alcoholic can easily get around that but the heroin addicts, pill poppers and pot smokers can't as most of those substances stay around longer than two weeks.

They do have a new 80 hour alcohol test but the place only uses that if they suspect something as it's over $100 per test (that we "clients" get to pay for). But I did read up on it (at the company who manufacturers it's website) and the usual disclaimers are in place. That the "80 hours" depends on what was drank, how much, your metabolism, your weight/height, etc. Basically, "your milage may vary" and we all get the same milage that car manufacturers advertise right?.


And yes, writing here (and saved on my hard drive) is very calming for me. Lets me get my head in order, lets me actually think about how I got to this point (which reminds me, I have to get back to my past) and how I cope each day. My sponsers and counselor are getting on me to start trying to get past the 3rd step, but I am still having trouble with this "higher power" thing. For now I am fine working on figuring that one out. IT's not like I have this great urge to go out and drink and I am attending meeting every evening, helping out at those meetings and usually end up picking up one or more people to bring them to the meetings (aka a commitment or two).

[Sue U]

Sounds like it's time to power-wash the driveway.

(Also, thank you for this thread, oldr. I have found it very enlightening.)