oldr_n_wsr's alcoholic adventure

[loCAtek]

Thank you sir. I appreciate your allowing me to commune, and communicate non-judgmentally.

namaste

[oldr_n_wsr]

I judge only myself.

[loCAtek]

That's what puts the 'wsr' in Budweiser; sorry, bad joke...

I really hope this isn't your experience but statistically it usually is.

People, places and things. If you don't change those your statistics may be true. Alcoholics (or drug addicts) who continue to frequent other alcoholics, continue to go to bars and places where there is mucho drinking/drugging going on and still grasp at the same bottle/bag/needle will not quit and will not recover. They will remain the alcoholic/addict.

The people I am surrounding myself with have "been there, done that" and do not judge lest they be judged. Most of those who have recovered have done the same.

And there is a difference between being drunk and being stupid. Stupid is pretty much forever, being drunk is temporary.

Yup, there's ignorance, and then there's stupidity: ignorance is not knowing; stupidity is not wanting to know.

...and I wanted to know. I suspected for years, that I had a drinking problem, but for some reason folks didn't want to acknowledge it. Acknowledge as oppose to judge. Acknowledgement is between equals; judgment is condescending to an inferior.

Same with the reason why I have a drinking problem; folks didn't want to acknowledge it. They think the disease exists in a vacuum, and the root cause of it can be dismissed, or mislabeled as 'stupidity'. Yet, stupidity is not wanting to know; that's not me, I know what I am. Non-judgmentally, I see myself to be pretty brave, in being able to face myself. Not a lot of folks can do that.

Bravery will remember you, Older. You fight the good fight, and are my brother in arms.

[Bones]

I fart a lot.

[Rick]

Yes

You do...

[dales]

I fart a lot.

The folks at TTAC might use you for means testing a mathane-powered vehicle.

[oldr_n_wsr]

I suspected for years, that I had a drinking problem, but for some reason folks didn't want to acknowledge it.

Why do you wait for others approval? You don't seem to be that kind of person with other aspects of your life. If you think/know you have a problem then seek help and to hell with other "folks".

Usually the alcoholic is the LAST person who thinks they have a problem.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Been a while since I posted something about my alcoholism and my recovery so I figured it's time. Actually, my counselor asked when I last wrote somethign of substance here (she does not know where in cyberspace this is, only that I am telling my story out here on the net) and recommended that "if I can't remember, then maybe it's time to write again" and I agreed.

You see, all my restarts have been around the 30 day clean interval and that "time of the month" is coming up again next week. I have allerted my "boys" to my restart timetable and how I won't be calling them if I decide to drink, so now they are going to be calling me. So either their calling gets me over the hump and keeps me sober or they drive me to drink.

Anway, this past Saterday was my 53rd birthday and was definately the first birthday in at least 35 years (probably longer) that I was sober for the whole day. Previous birthdays were nothing but an excuse to drink, not that I needed one. But at least my wife would not say anything about my drinking on that day. Heck, I was celebrating my birthday.

Any presents I got, were secondary to consuming as much alcohol as I could and usually someone bought me a bottle of Jack or Johnny Walker (that person was the best). And of course it was either finished or very close to it by the time I passed out. There was a minor problem that would crop up every so many years in that my birthday fell on Fathers Day which was another day of "wife sanctioned/tolerated" drinking on my part.

You see, for the previous 25 years I have hosted the families Fathers Day bar-b-que. If my birthday fell on Fathers Day, that was only one day of "wife sanctioned/tolerated" drinking. IT was better if there was my birthday, then Fathers day on two seperate days so I could get in two days of hassel-free drinking.

This year was different. While I did "reminisce" about years gone by and the many birthday parites that I got totally shit-faced, I didn't want to drink. I actually enjoyed the kids (kids? they are 25 and 21 now) gifts they got me. Other years it would have been "yeah that's great, now go get me a drink". I went out to dinner with my wife and we actually talked. I talked WITH her. My brain wasn't preoccupied with wondering if the waitress would happen by so I could have another Jack and coke just nodding my head in agreement with whatever the wife was droning on about. I listened and contributed tot he conversation. WOW!!!

On Sunday, Fathers Day, I got another two presents from my children. My daughter gave me a couple of pictures of me and her and another picture of her at Universal Studios (I think that's where it was) in front of this ice cream stand that said "Hop on Pop" and this brought tears to my eyes. When my daughter was very young, I would read to her before she went to sleep and one of her favorite books was Dr Seuss's Hop on Pop. Every time I read the words "Hop on Pop", she would stand up on her bed and jump on top of me, she would Hop on Pop. So the memories are still there probably because years ago I was sober most of the time. I had to make a living, go to school and do what I could to be a father/husband. So the drinking, while heavy at times, did not invade every part of my life nor thinking. And for that I am grateful.

My son gave me an accessory for my motorcycle (clock, compass and temp guages) and most of the day the two of us washed, waxed and polished our motorcycles. Father-son bonding, chewing the fat, chucking shit about each others motorcycle and it's shortcomings. Basically "guy stuff" which brought tears to my eyes a few times during the day. Hanging with the son, actually talking to him. Another WOW!!.

No big Fathers Day bar-b-que this year, just the family and my wifes parents. Cooked some steaks and drank iced tea and the day could not have been better.

I am enjoying being sober and I know I have to guard against the 30 day thirst creeping up on me. I am on guard and have my support system on alert so I am determined to make it through the 30 day "want" this time. I am going to try writing here daily as writing helps, as does keeping busy working around the house and going to my outpatient therapy and going to AA meetings. But I know the OP therapy and meetings are not enough as in my last restart I had been to OP that morning, then drank and still went to a meeting that night. I told my "boys" to keep checking on me and I know they will.

All for now and thanks for listening to this old_drnk.

[Gob]

All very excellent news O-n-W, lovely story, positive and uplifting.

[Sue U]

As much "fun" as you thought you had drinking, oldr, sober is much more interesting -- and much more like living. And it's worth it.

[BoSoxGal]

oldr, hopefully you can divert attention from the '30 day thirst' by taking a nice bike ride up to the Hudson Valley for lunch with your favorite crooked prosecutor next week. We'll share iced teas and swap stories FTF. If it doesn't work out to meet up, just know I'll be thinking of you and sending positive vibes which will hopefully be more powerful as they haven't so far to travel.

Glad you are sober, and very grateful for your lovely sober Father's Day.

Hugs,
bsg

[Rick]

[Guinevere]

We're here for you as day 30 gets closer and closer Older -- any time, any day, any hour. You can do it!

[Gob]

Would threats be any help mate? I'm good at those.

[oldr_n_wsr]

Would threats be any help mate? I'm good at those.

I laff at threats. HA HA! Nothing you could do to me would be any worse than alcohol hasn't done (or how bad it has made me feel, and I'm not talking in a hangover way as I never had hangovers).

As they say in AA, "come for 90 meetings in 90 days. If you don't like it, we will refund your misery at no charge".

If you all don't mind, I am going to ramble on again. (and as my support group says "ramble on even if they do mind")

I was thinking back the other day into the not too distant past. Probably 3 maybe 4 years. But it might be longer as some of the time line of circumstance doesn't really add up. Case in point, it was 4 years ago that my wife changed jobs and I helped the "firm" (a small 4 person architect firm) move from a small office into a smaller office. It was only across the hallway but they gave me a bottle of Chivas Regal and there-in lies the time line discrepency.

You see, I used to go down the basement to my workshop and "piddle". By "piddle" I mean I would work on things. Some things that needed fixing, some things I would be making, some things just needed tending too. But while I was down there, I had a bottle of Johnny Walker Red, Johnny Walker Black, hte bottle of Chivas and a bottle of Jack Daniels. I would take the sip out of each as any night progressed. The time line problem is that I always thought my "real problem" with alcohol started 2 and 1/2 years ago, but those bottles haven't been there for about the same time. I have come to realize my problem goes back much longer than that.

Tonight I went to my "Old Time" AA meeting which was an open discussion. They don't play around with speakers giving you their life history of alcohol and how they beat it through the "steps" and how life is wonderful and all that jazz. At this meeting they introduce a topic and make you think about it and expect you to speak about it even if your only words are "I would rather not". Tonights topic was honesty and I was about third or fourth to speak(they go around the tables unless someone raises their hand and wants to speak).

Well that got me thinking about those bottles and how I went about "getting over" and drinking behind my wifes back. The "game" I played was that the bottles were in boxes so my wife never knew how much was in the bottle at any given time. Also I kept them on a higher shelf above my workbench so it was even harder for her to check on them. I would sip on them until they would be gone. Then I would go and buy some cheap scotch and refill them only half way because my wife knew when I first got them as gifts (people always knew to buy me booze) I would have a few drinks from the bottle. Didn't want them to think their gift wasn't appreciated.

Anyway, I only had to refill the bottles about half way and each "occasion" I would bring out the bottles and next to no one knew the difference between Chivas Regal and cheap ass scotch so it would work. It worked even better because now I only had to replace a 1/4 of a bottle when I finished it. It was even better when my wife found them empty because now I didn't have to refill them, I could drink the whole 1/2 gallon I bought rather than using half of it to refill the bottle that were now empty.

What does that have to do with honesty? For some reason I was/am always honest with people outside my family. When I said I would be somewhere, I was there. If I said I would help you, I would. I may have been half (or totally) in the bag but I was there. My dishonesty always was with my family (in general) and my wife (in specific). She would ask, "have you been drinking" and of course my response was "no". I would guess she didn't believe me, but if/when she didn't press the issue, I figured I "got over".

I realize now I was only being dishonest with myself.

Also, when I had no money, I would hit the "change jar". Now I had been putting the change in this jar for the last 20+ year. It is a BIG jar, an old water bottle from the office water coolers. It was close to the neck filled with change and in the last 1/2 year I emptied it about 1/4 of the way to buy booze. My wife noticed and of course I first denied it then went on the defensive about how I am the one who filled it and then finally said, "you're right, I took the money to buy booze". My son went and cashed in the rest and I gave both my kids an equal sum of what was in the jar. (Step 9 (I think) of making ammends). I gave them the jar and always put in whatever change I had every night for so many years and told them it was their money. Then I went and took it and "justified" it by saying, "I put the money in ther so I can take it out as I see fit. But it doesn't work that way.

I did get a few calls today from my boys today and have no urge to drink so all is good. Thanks to you all for your support and I hope the people in RL know I am their for them as they are their for me.

I do have to relate a sad storry, but for now I am using it as "but for the grace of God go I" even if I don't believe in God.


PS
And I hope all of you send out your best wishes to the families who were affected by the pharmacy killings (yes killings, not just shootings) near where I live. Not one of them needed to die as the drugs would have been surrended without a fight. HE shot first and got what he needed later. Only solace is he was caught.

Thanks

[oldr_n_wsr]

And bigskygal don't know if we can hook up. I'll be near Narrowsburg NY from the 1st to the 4th. I have a feeling you might be in hte vicininty of the way up/down. Going upwill be late friday but the way down is the 4th and open on time we are leaving. Give me a PM on your time table.

ETA
Glad you didn't leave.

[Crackpot]

It's good that you are discovering more reasons to be sober.

[BoSoxGal]

oldr, is your wife going to Al-Anon meetings too? I wonder if she wouldn't find them helpful.

[Long Run]

Things sound like they are going well, except for the friends and family who have to figure out what to buy you for a gift.

[oldr_n_wsr]

oldr, is your wife going to Al-Anon meetings too? I wonder if she wouldn't find them helpful.

Yes she is. As a matter of fact, the last bit of "fun" I got out of drinking was thinking I was getting away with my drinking. That I was hiding it from her. Then she went to Al Anon and they taught her to remove herself from my drinking. So when I did get caught, in hte past she would get on my case and I would swear I will stop. She would believe me and the "game" would start again. After Al Anon, she didn't care, well she really did but they told her to let me find my own salvation. That took away the fun of the "cat and mouse" game. How many days I could get away with drinking and not be caught. What really good excuse could I come up with, how believable a lie could I fabricate. The last bit of fun of drinking went away, and yet still I had to drink.

And the drinking itself had stopped being fun a while ago.

Just as an aside, I am "graduating" from my Intensive Outpatient Therapy on wednesday June 29. After this I go to Clinic 1. IOP was three days a week three hours a day (although because of my relapses I was htere 5 days a week) and Clinic 1 is only three days a week but only one hour a day. I do have the option of going 5 days a week (one hour a day) but I am undecided on that. I may start at 5 days a week and then go to 3 days a week. I am going to talk to my counselor on monday about it.