Wedding Customs - Caught in a Time Warp

[dgs49]

Many years ago when I and my contemporaries were going through such things, the social build up to a wedding among working class people went something like this:

A wedding had to be planned waaaay in advance – maybe as long as 6-9 months - to make sure that the venue for the reception and the Church were available at the same time. The couple was anxious to get married because they loved each other and wanted to live together. If they were “older,” let’s say more than 25 years old, the lead-time was generally shorter, since the woman would have to start popping out babies as soon as possible. If the bride was already pregnant, the wedding was nice, but immediate, so as to avoid unnecessary embarrassment.

Usually, the bridesmaids or a sister of the bride would plan a “Wedding Shower” a few months before the wedding at someone’s house. The “shower” part of it was a showering of gifts from the female friends and relatives of the bride (and maybe the groom, as well). It was unthinkable that the mother of the bride or the bride herself would have anything to do with the planning of the shower, since that would be overtly soliciting gifts for yourself – which would be gauche.

The REASON for the shower was that neither the bride nor the groom (and certainly not the two of them together) had set up housekeeping anywhere, and they would need “little things” like towels, flatware, dishes and glasses, basic cleaning supplies and such when they set up housekeeping together. Further, since they didn’t have that bit of experience, they might not be aware of the kinds of things they might need. Semi-gag gifts would often show up at showers – mops, cleaning brushes, laundry detergent -, but they were consistent with the theme of the thing, and appreciated.

On rare occasions, the bridesmaids might jointly buy a more extravagant gift – an automatic dishwasher or something, but that was a little “much” because the gifts were generally expected to be inexpensive. (And also because these gifts – truth be told – were purchased by the parents of the bridesmaids, who probably did not have jobs). The shower was, as much as anything, an excuse for The Girls to get together and have fun in an all-female environment. The Groom would usually show up at the end of the shower in order to make a “blushing” appearance, thank The Girls, and cart away the gifts. And usually, they went to the bride’s parents’ home because the Happy Couple had not rented an apartment yet.

Somewhat later, I was told that the concept of “small” shower gifts had been abandoned. Wedding GIFTS have become passé; money being the gift de riguer, so if you want to get an actual gift for the married couple, the Shower is now the time to do that. Of course, buying an extravagant shower gift does not take you off the hook for a monetary wedding gift, so…

Welcome to the Third Millenium.

The couple has generally lived together for at least a year before they get engaged. And since they are already living together, there is no hurry to get married, regardless of how relatively superannuated they happen to be. The existence of children (from current or prior relationships) or pregnancy is not even a factor, except as it affects the fitting of the bride’s gown. Indeed, if the pride is pregnant, the wedding will be scheduled so that she will not be “showing” at the time of the wedding. The minimum engagement period is a year, and there is one couple in my family whose wedding was, by my calculation, 30 months out from the announcement of their engagement (something about him finishing medical school first).

Since they are probably already living together, there is no need for the traditional “small” gifts, and the shower seems to have taken on the flavor of “Putting on the Ritz.” The Bride will register herself at high-end furnishing stores for $250/setting China and other luxury items and expensive appliances, so that they can upgrade their lifestyle after the nuptials. Showers are no longer held at someone’s home – horrors! – but at extravagant venues that will “encourage” the participants to buy more expensive gifts. The mother of the bride and even the Bride herself are often major participants in the planning of the Shower, being as big a Pain in the Ass about the shower as they are now expected to be about the wedding itself.

It also seems that , like a college education, a Traditional Big Wedding has become a constitutional entitlement for any female, and she has the right to demand whatever the hell extravagances she has dreamed up, regardless of the cost or any dictates of family tradition or good taste. Bridesmaids are compelled to spend breathtaking amounts of money on one-time dresses that accentuate their flab and expose all of their tacky body art (don’t get me started on that). Wedding gowns often seem to be chosen based on how they look on someone else’s body – certainly not the actual Bride’s. It’s no crime to be pudgy, but it should be a crime to wear clothes that make you look like a big, white sausage.

How ironic that the less significant marriage becomes, the more Special the participants want them to be.

Do I get a refund when they split up in three years?

[Crackpot]

I haven't run into many weddings in the past few years that anyone even bothered to register for "fine china" as it has pretty much become an anacronism of the past. Most people nowadays don't see the need to buy somethinf that is just going to sit in a display cabintt for most of it's life waiting for an occasion important enough to be used. (I only recall my parents china being used once in my life) But then again I don't now many people that are suckered in by Weedding planers and Registry runners as well as the whole Wedding industry.

[Daisy]

My Wedding cost the grand total of two thousand pounds, including the dress and ring, we had no wedding shower (this US import seems to be coming as pervasive as trick or bloody treat), no gift list and didn't invite anyone who didn't mean the world to us.

Everyone seems to want to "out-do" everyone else in terms of the biggest dress, the most expensive venue, the half a dozen bridesmaids and flower girls .... and on and on and on.

I know a couple who are on a pretty modest income that recently spent £30k on their "big day", it makes me despair. A wedding is about two people declaring their intent to spend the rest of their lives together NOT about how much they can show off to people on Facebook which seemed to be this couple's raison d'être for the wedding.

Reckon they'll be divorced before the baby they've just produced starts school.

[Crackpot]

All said and done we paid about $18k for our wedding and it was well worth it as it's still talked about. The lions share of that was for the venue/meal/drinks which to me about showing the guests a good time rather than what we would get out of it

[Reality Bytes]

I got married 28 years ago, I was 20 my husband was 25 - we had bought our first home and had been living together for 6 months prior to the wedding, we were engaged 12 months having got engaged 6 weeks after we started dating I did not get pregnant with our son until we'd been married for 3 years. I did not have a bridal shower - they were never part of the tradition here in the UK and still aren't but I did have a hen night which has nowt to do with gifts and everything to do with celebrating with female family & friends. We did have a gift list but weren't registered/listed anywhere, the list was because we had already set up home so had many things people usually buy for a wedding gift - and yet we still ended up with about 6 sets of crystal wine or champagne glasses (most are still in their boxes in the attic as I type lol) 2 dinner services and more towels than I could fit in the storage cupboards.

My son gets married in 4 weeks time, he is 24 she is 23 they have been engaged for 2 years, bought their own home about 18 months ago, they have no children and my dil-tb is not pregnant. The wedding was booked 12 months ago and we have been planning and arranging the big day ever since. Their wedding will be a civil one primarily because it's all tied in with the venue for the reception and kept the costs down, everything about the wedding has been done on a very strict budget so having 12 months to plan and make stuff has been essential and should come in around £4,000 ($6400 USD $5900AUD) not including a honeymoon. They have no list of gifts because they have all they need for their home and would prefer cash so that they can have a honeymoon trip however if people would prefer to give a gift then they would be more than happy with whatever they get. The day hopefully will be everything they could have wished for made even more special by the fact that an awful lot of stuff has been achieved by either making things themselves or by sourcing things very economically - it would have been absurdly easy to have doubled the budget (and then some) and had things bought in or provided for them by the venue or the wedding planner but by doing it themselves they have taken ownership of their special day.

[dgs49]

Good to get perspectives from O/S the U.S.

I was just reminded about my nephew's wedding in Las Vegas a few years ago. The lovely couple had been living together for a couple years, but want to make it official. Very middle-class, all in all. Both were (and are) employed in pretty demanding though unglamorous jobs, and decided to do a "package" wedding in Las Vegas.

This venue would provide an all-in wedding at a package price of anything from (I believe it was $5,000) to $50,000. The package chosen by my nephew (paid for 50/50 by the parents) was on the order of $20k, and it included flowers, photographer, use of the chapel including minister, reception hall complete for 80-100 people for two hours ("You need to be gone by then"). It had been planned about a year in advance, based on the date when they had reservations to go on a 10-day vacation to Hawaii. Sadly, the vacation had to be cancelled for work/financial reasons, but the wedding went off without a hitch.

As was the plan, most of the revelers left the reception and headed for the gambling tables, making it an entire weekend of "fun."

It is my impression that the planning for the wedding was minimal. They came up to LV, spent an hour or two making selections, and came back on the wedding day. The minister was surprisingly profound, having something significant to say to the families, friends, parents, and the couple - all in 8 minutes, m/l.

I'm thinking this was about 5 years ago, but it could be more than that. They are still happy and married, though despairing of ever owning their own home.

This was my kind of wedding.

[Crackpot]

There's alot of planning that goes into a wedding even more if you don't have an event coordinator. (the hall we rented came with that as well) but alot of it hinges on how decisive and how much control you want to exert. The wife and I took about 9 months from booking the hall to wedding day to complete. then again we weren't set on a spring wedding and got a good hall for cheap for doing it on a holiday weekend and since my wifes side of the family were all driving in from the other side of the state that worked out good for us. We got the bulk of the stuff planned in 3 months leaving only the few tasks thet we needed final numbers to complete and spent the last 2 months just waiting. But if you are one to micromanage and be indecisive and insist on a "spring wedding" or a "June Bride" shit's going to take a heck of alot longer.

[Long Run]

Welcome to the Third Millenium.
* * *
How ironic that the less significant marriage becomes, the more Special the participants want them to be.

Do I get a refund when they split up in three years?

So you won't be guest hosting when David Tutera is on vacation?

[Joe Guy]

I don't understand why anyone needs to spend thousands on a wedding reception.

I've been to some spectacular weddings & receptions. I've also been to small celebrations.

A large extravagant & expensive wedding & reception doesn't indicate that a good marriage between two people is about to be initiated.

If it did, it might be worth the money.

The most memorable & fun wedding & reception that I ever attended was that of a good friend who got divorced eleven months later.

When my parents were married, it was performed in a small room occupied by the two of them and a justice of the peace. There was no reception. The marriage ended 50 years later when my father died.

[Gob]

A description of the best wedding ever;

My arrival at Penzance was a wet and dark one...was supposed to call Taff for a ride but could not figure out how the phone number worked... so I got a taxi instead...I had a reservation at the White Sands Lodge so I got in the cab and asked to be taken there...the cabbie was a wonderful start to my visit...he said "young lady I don't think you are from around here", which led to a discussion of my origin and how I came to arrive at Penzance. He thought me a bit daft I think..coming so far for a wedding, and a wedding of veritable strangers at that...

My arrival at the Lodge is a blurry one in my mind..I was pooped and taken by surprise. Taff grabbed me and hugged me...and I recall Hen yelling "snicker" and running over to hug me too. Introductions were made to a few folks there including Mother Hen and the lovely little Hatchling, who said she had never met an American before...(sorry Hen for any lasting emotional trauma this encounter may lead to...Tongue) I was relieved of my luggage by the lodge owner...and sat down in the bar to get something to eat. I ate and visited...it was clear that Hen was very nervous, and so was Taff. Taff was to go off to a pub down the road for a bit of drinking.and invited me to join the group whn I got done eating.

I did join the crowd at a pub that was a few hundred or so years old...and a merry group they were...and soon a very drunken group...I watched Taff drink beer then switch gears to whisky or scotch..not sure which...and the group got merrier..I was an odd one out..I don't drink alcohol due to having a very bad stomach, and was looked at, I think, as a bit of an oddity, I mean aside from being American..and an obviously daft American at that. Word soon spread around that I had come a distance of about 4000 miles to see the wedding of 2 people I had met on the internet only...I sensed a general amazement all through my visit. "ohhh you are that American who has come from the states just for this wedding...(long appraising look I got used to followed by a broad grin) Brilliant..simply brilliant!! how amazing.." this was an oft repeated conversation, and one of which I never tired."

I sorted my way through accents and a million names meeting
Taff's Mother, who was very difficult for me to understand, it is the welsh accent which I found the most difficult to deal with, there was one man there who I think I never understood a single word he spoke the3 entire time. Taff's Mother I was finally able to get for conversation.

My energy flagged, and I decided I needed to return to the lodge for the night. When I returned The Hen Clan were all in bed.

Next morning I went down and ordered a breakfast. I decided one should eat an English breakfast since it was offered, except that they eat odd things for breakfast...well odd from my limited perspective, baked beans for breakfast is just too foreign a concept. No can do. But I had a delicious porridge and eggs, bacon, sausage and toast with a nice pot of tea. All very delicious.

The wedding was to be at 1pm in Penzance at the registrar's office. I was offered a ride from some of Taff's friends, a couple flown in from Ireland, very wonderful people, world class. So when the time came I caught a ride with them and off we went to the place where the long anticipated event was to take place.

Arriving there..we met Taff outside, looking a bit nervous but not the green color I'd have expected after the prior night's revelry. He was sporting a suit, and looked..well afraid...like anyone looks before they are about to take a big step. Inside, many of us found seats in the registrar's room. It was a small room and so we were tightly packed. There were a few tense moments when it appeared that The Hen might have flown the coup...an Taff, it was explained, is a bit deaf so between that and nerves I am still not sure who he married. I don't think however that he has any doubts. As to the Hen, was there ever a doubt that she would prove to be a beautiful bride? She was absolutely radiate and beautiful...she is a very petite and fit woman, and had on a beautiful ensemble of her own design as we have read about. While Taff seemed nervous to the point of falling over in a heap, Hen was all confidence, and except for the fact that she missed her entrance a bit...and gave us a tense dramatic moment...soon the ceremony was over and we were on our way out and back to the lodge..where what seemed to be an endless party began.

The reception began almost immediately and went on till late. The food was great, the people exceptionally nice. I met so many and have so many memories of how much fun the people were. I talked to many, often being asked, in a rather cautious and careful manner, how September 11 changed America. I tried to explain how I saw it as best I could. After it was discussed, some offered a toast..to no more terrorists...a wonderful token of understanding and compassion.

I left the next day...without getting to say goodbye properly as I had to get back to London to get ready for my flight out. But fair warning Taff, when I got home and told hubby how much I wanted to go back..he suggested a summer trip with him joining me. You may have not seen the last of this daft American...

Warmest wishes to the both of you for a wonderful future that will hopefully include living in the same hemisphere as soon as possible.

Thank you both for making me feel welcome and watching out for my welfare.

BTW...Taff's Mother, she can get down and boogie with the best of them..

[Jarlaxle]

Liz and I were married in a park; there were 5 people there (Liz and I, our best friends, and the judge performing the ceremony), the ceremony took about 10 minutes including the paperwork (though our ACTIVITIES enroute back to the car took a bit longer)...the reception (at a relative's house) was the next day, accompanied by a blessing. The only thing we (actually, Liz) demanded was personal vows (neither knowing the other's beforehand) that the blessing be done at the moment of the spring equinox. (Don't look at me, it was her idea.)

Her vow to me ended with: "To the love of my life, the one that saved my soul...to you I give my thanks and I pledge my life."

[Andrew D]

My wife and I were married in Reno. We spent two or three nights at the Adventure Inn and Wedding Chapel (which may be defunct). It had a whole bunch of "theme" rooms: a Scottish castle, a room where the bed was inside a spaceship that looked like something out of The Jetsons, even a room with a lap swimming pool.

We went more traditional, room-wise. Of course, it was in Reno, so the room had a kind of New Orleans bordello decor. It was a "suite," so it was big and had plenty of furnishings. The heart-shaped bed we could have done without. But it was in a gable, so the walls slanted at roughly 45 degrees over the bed, with a flat ceiling in the middle. And the walls and ceiling were all mirrored. That was fun.

We didn't tell anyone that we were going to get married. We had no guests. There were five people there: We, the minister, the Adventure Inn person coordinating what little there was to coordinate, and the videographer.

(The wedding package came with a video, a bunch of flowers for my wife to carry, champagne and chocolates and such, and souvenir T-shirts and coffee mugs.)

We didn't want anything about God, and we didn't have any rings, so the video of the ceremony lasts, if I recall correctly, 4-1/2 minutes. Of course, we'd been living together for about a decade by then, so our wedding wasn't exactly a momentous relationship-changing event.

We were married on a Friday the 13th, so we celebrate not only the actual date every year but also every Friday the 13th that comes along. Some years, we get to to celebrate our "anniversary" four times!

[Sean]

We got married on a cliff-top overlooking the pacific. It was a very casual affair with about 20 close friends and my mum (who'd travelled 12,000 miles for the occasion). We'd booked a table in a beachside restaurant and from there it was to the pub for alcohol and karaoke. It was ultra-low budget (it was before I was allowed to work in Australia so money was tight) but I think everybody enjoyed themselves... I know I did!

Sun, sea, beer, food, karaoke and drunken Welshmen. What more could one want?

[Miles]

Sun, sea, beer, food, karaoke and drunken Welshmen.

Was the drunken Welshman part of the entertainment.

[dgs49]

As long as we are telling tales...

My wife was born into an incredible Italian family and community. A small town in Italy had, over the space of about ten years, basically migrated en masse from one of the most backward sections of southern Italy to urban Pittsburgh. Because so many people migrated at one time they were able to maintain the same community and culture in a small enclave of Pittsburgh (Larimer Avenue District). My wife was the first one born in the U.S.

By the time we met, she was 19 years old, a sophomore in college. She had never been on a date, gone to a party, played any sport, gone swimming, ridden a bicycle, or even had a friend outside the small family and community. Italian (or at least their version of Italian) was spoken in every home, and as a result, to this day most of the original emigres have a difficult time understanding, and being understood in English.

Needless to say, when my wife and I took an interest in each other, she kept it a secret from her family. There was no doubt whatsoever that they wanted their daughter to hook up with someone from the same community. Worst case, an Italian from another neighborhood (but the same province in Italy - Calabria). I was literally unable to comprehend the existence of such a community in the U.S. There were times when I virtually called her a liar as she told me that it was "not possible" for me to meet her family.

When I finally made an issue of it, I was invited to the house for inspection and a brief visit. You can only imagine the attitude I went there with, and theirs was just as antagonistic on the other side. I was told never to come back, never to see their daughter again, and to forget I had ever met her.

Of course, the relationship continued. It is remarkable how much can be done discretely. After a few months of pleading on her part, I was permitted to show my face again, but I was only luke-warmly accepted. Much of the relationship developed during late-night meals with my mother-in law. I was working as a security guard while going to college, and I would stop there on my way to work on the midnight shift, and my wife would prepare me something to eat, with the Old Lady's supervision.

After a few months of this we decided to get married. When I told my future father-in-law, he responded, "No you aren't," or words to that effect.

So we began planning the wedding with no support from either them or my father (whom I didn't want to ask, for unrelated reasons). We decided we could afford to throw a party for about 50 people, and were about halfway through the planning process when my mother-in-law observed that we were comparing menus from different caterers at her kitchen table. She asked what it was all about, and I told her we were making the wedding plans. The following day, she and my wife's father approached us at the evening meal and said they would "take care of," the wedding. although they didn't articulate it in just this way, I later came to understand that in the extended family they had been going to a half dozen weddings a year, giving generous gifts at each one for many years, and, by golly, their daughter was going to have a wedding to which all those families were going to be invited, so they could reciprocate. It sounded terribly crass to me at the time, and I'm still not comfortable with it, but I do understand the point.

So we had a big church wedding and a big reception with about 250 people. On my side, we had all of the relatives I was in touch with, all of my friends, and a couple people to whom I felt obligated - a total of about 25 people. On her side, they invited only close friends and relatives, and - my FIL told me - they antagonized more people by not inviting them than they actually invited.

The most memorable moment came when the photographer was trying to get the wedding party for a group picture and nobody could find my wife, who was socializing with some of her college friends. My Best Man, the Late Paddy O'Houlihan, went out and bodily picked her up and brought her back, over his shoulder, butt in the air, into the reception hall for the picture. This particular episode was also caught on film

By the time we got married, I had been working out of state for a couple months, so most of the final planning was done "by others," which was fine by me. The total monetary gifts we received were approximately equal to what was paid for the wedding. My father paid for the Church and the booze.

That was in August, 1973, and we are still newlyweds. No broken promises that I'm aware of.

My in-laws are both deceased. After a couple years of marriage, my relationship with my mother in law evolved to be better than my wife's relationship with her, although I never got completely past the language barrier with my father in law. There was not much we could talk about besides food and work.

[kristina]

My husband and I were married in Stern Grove in San Francisco. There's a pretty little Victorian-style house which one can rent from Parks and Rec. Smallish wedding -- our parents, siblings and their spouses, and each of our best friends. We had met in the art department at SFSU, and everyone who provided services was connected to the department. The photographer was a classmate of mine, the caterer was a grad student in painting, the rings were made by a prof who taught metal arts and jewelry and the service was conducted by an emeritus professor.

[Liberty1]

I was married in 1982. It was a fairly small wedding, about 50 people in the Chapel of a huge Methodist Church in north Texas (oil money town). We had a very nice rehersal dinner at the local country club and a simple reception in the Church Fellowship Hall. I'm not sure how much was spent on the whole thing, probably $3K to $4K, but this is my opinion.

Weddings generally are not for the couple, they are for the parents, primarily the brides parents. If I had to do it all over again, I would prefer to just get married by the minister with a couple of witnesses and take the money that would have been spent on the wedding. Being a poor college student at the time, at least we could have gone on a real honeymoon and had a small nest egg left over.

Big Weddings are a waste of money.

[Gob]

I think everybody enjoyed themselves... I know I did!

I'm pretty sure I enjoyed it immensely.

Sun, sea, beer, food, karaoke and drunken Welshmen. What more could one want?

Ah yes, I did!





Some very nice tales here...

[Sean]

Sun, sea, beer, food, karaoke and drunken Welshmen.

Was the drunken Welshman part of the entertainment.

Not officially...

[Crackpot]

They come for free!